The Scots love to make fun of themselves, frequently taking aim at their reputation as big drinkers, their rivalry with the English, and their penchant for being frugal (they hate to spend money, or so they say). Here are some representative jokes Scots enjoy telling about themselves. Just don't say anything about their kilts!
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3 guys, 1 Irishman, 1 Englishman and 1 Scot, are walking along the beach one day when they come across a lantern, from which a Genie suddenly appears. "Iíll give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the Genie. So the Irish guy says: "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "AlkaZoom", the oceans were teeming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "AlkaZoom", there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains: "Well, it's about 150 feet high and 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and a beautiful young lady sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the young lady and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face, as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: "The Scottish fella must have kissed the girl and she missed him and slapped me instead." The young lady was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it." And the Scotsman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again".
When Wee Hughie moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Wee Hughie, "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."
One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh, Lord, please I beg you let it be blood!"
A Scotsí pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good, for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
There are many theories about the origin of the bagpipes. Most say they were invented by the Irish as a prank - but the Scots have yet to realize that it's a joke.
Wee Hughie left his almost full glass of beer on the table to go and relieve himself of the by-products of several earlier pints. Before doing so, he wrote a wee note and left it beside his drink. It read: "This pint belongs to the Springburn Heavyweight Boxing Champion." But when he got back, his glass was empty... Added to his note were the words: "This drink is now inside the Springburn half-mile running champion."
Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot. Then Wee Hughie said, "OK, now what?"
A Clan Chief offered his daughter as a bride to the son of a neighboring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated the two clans. Father and daughter showed up at the arranged time only to find that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, '' The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."
Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: "Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?" "England", replied the Scot.
Did you hear about the four Scotsmen who they found dead from starvation at the back of the bus? No, how did it ever happen? It was a pay-as-you-leave bus.
What does a Scotsman do when he encounters a pay toilet?
Iím not sure, but I do know I wouldnít want to be there.
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - a shabby raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.
He drives a car fitted with tires invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.
At the office he receives his mail with adhesive stamps which, although they bear the Queen of Englandís head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell of
At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, a Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.
He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough, Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authorized its translation.
Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an anesthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
Coming out of the anesthesia, he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.
Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood .
Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A: A Scotsman dropped his penny into a small crack somewhere in Arizona.
Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two Scotsmen did, as they quarreled over a penny.
"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims, " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
Jack decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing 10,000 Pounds, and would give a reward of 100 Pounds to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give you 150 Pounds!"
Jack was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"Iíll give you an airplane ride for 5 Pounds," said the pilot.
"Sorry, I canít afford it," replied Jack.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "Iíll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise itíll be 10 Pounds."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jack. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jack. "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell out!"
Jack's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jack counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jack," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jack, "where does the widow live?"
"I hear Maggie and you settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jack said to Duncan.
"That's right," said Duncan, "Maggie's put on so much weight that I couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
Have you heard about the lecherous Jack who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably, passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
A Scot is the only man on earth who would step over the bodies of a dozen bronzed naked beauties sunbathing on the beach just to get to a glass of whiskey.
How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
How do you disperse a Scottish mob?
Take up a collection.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, who can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus canít play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? Iím going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."
What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?
Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
"Ah, Kyla, drinking makes you look so bonnie."
"But Donald, I donít drink!"
"But I do!"
MacManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the checks.
Three Scots and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible.
How do you insult a Scotsman?
Tell him his mother is a spendthrift.
Old Man MacMillan has the finest collection of books in Braille in the entire city.
Old Man MacMillan, the scholar? I didnít know he went blind!
He didnít. He sees better than you or I.
So then, whatís he doing with all those books in Braille?
Saving money on his electric bill.
A rabbit from Scotland invited a rabbit from England to come back with him to his home. On the way there, they had to pass through a stretch renowned for its fierce birds of prey. What did the Scottish rabbit say to the English rabbit?
"You take the high road, and Iíll take the low road."
Two Scotsmen are climbing in the mountains when one slips and falls into a chasm from which he cannot escape. His companionís rope isnít long enough to reach him, and so, after urging his friend to "hang in there", the climber who is still free heads back to town to purchase a longer rope with which to rescue his friend. Days later, he comes back, whereupon his comrade cries up from the bottom of the chasm: "Thank God youíre here! I donít think I could have lasted another day!" He waits for a while, but still no rope appears. "Well - where is it? Whereís the rope?" His comrade replies: "I didnít get it; it doesnít go on sale till next week."
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks to the many web sites and books that have compiled, preserved, and presented these jokes, including (but not limited to) scottishvacations.com, scottish-heirloom.com, and humorsphere.com.
Weapons of Depth Contents