DREAMS AND GHOSTS
On Seeing Seagulls Eating Garbage By The Ferry
Never love a fairy
if you’re a man,
never love a halo
that you can’t understand,
a mystery intangible
that hovers in the night, and though a woman seems,
leaves you with the feeling
that you just awakened from a dream:
with that same emptiness
and sense of disbelief.
And your joy will have a long way down.
And your joy will have a long way down.
Never love a fairy
if you’re a man.
Never love what would be bliss
if it could be - but can’t.
Her magic face of light
will but destroy you with your human expectations,
for you can never live
within the bosom of her fairy nation,
where there’s not food, nor drink, nor flesh -
and never a moment beyond "not yet."
And your joy will have a long way down.
And your joy will have a long way down.
Never love a fairy
if you’re a man.
Never try to hold a body
that will just blow away like sand
whenever your heart cries out in need
and your bed seems big enough for you to become lost at sea.
For for her, being held
means not being free;
and freedom is the soul
of fairies.
And your joy will have a long way down.
And your joy will have a long way down.
Never love a fairy
if you’re a man,
for though you love her as much
as any can,
it won’t be enough -
unless your love can become pure light, which means to die,
and unless you can cease to be what comes between you,
which is all you were
and had to do.
So just stand back upon the human shore,
across the sea from fairyland,
and say good-bye:
she won’t be yours.
She is already everything
without you.
And your joy will have a long way down.
And your joy will have a long way down.
Forgive me fairy princess,
I thought you were of the
earth
but now I see
you’re not.
You do not need a man
nor can you
ever leave your fairyland.
Your palace on the
lake
shines only in my dreams
and my heart’s too heavy
to cross the
bridge.
Could I but ride
a spirit horse to you,
and never come back,
I’d leave my body
and its worthless tasks
to another
beast of burden
and
disappear with you
into the golden light
where love
always is
and can wait
forever.
I’d love you as gently
as a dragonfly
sitting on the water,
I’d love you like a sun flower
caressed by a hint of fire.
Forgive me fairy princess
for my stone hands and feet,
for my earthly needs
that keep me on the shore of you,
not comprehending our marriage,
already consummated
in a place unseen by me.
Forgive me for dying at the hands
of solitude,
though you are at my side,
forgive me that my happiness has died,
waiting,
even though I am already with you
the only way
you will ever be with anyone.
I love you enough to change
the meaning of the word
"alone" - but my body
speaks another tongue;
and it will not follow
my heart to you.
As the body dies
so the heart doubts.
What is within is choked
by the death of what’s
outside.
Forgive me fairy princess
for my stone hands and feet -
for my earthly needs.
Now that I’m dark
you don’t want me.
Now that the shadows have
fallen over me
and covered me with the wounded animal
that I am,
jealous,
lonely,
and afraid.
Now that the clocks
of our souls
have struck the hour
of the truth,
and left behind
the foreplay
and the masquerade.
Now that it is finally time
to come out from behind the fantasies
that have hidden us, protected us,
and face the other as a real human being…
Now is the time
you had to leave.
Why do you look at me that way?
You look at me as though
you can’t stand the sight of blood.
Why do you look at me that way?
Don’t you know,
yesterday I thought your sweet voice
was going to be my bandage.
But, just when I needed you the most,
you couldn’t bear to look…
Now that I’m dark
you don’t want me.
Now that I’m falling out into the open,
out of the closet
of who I wish I was but am not,
now that I’ve reminded you
that ideals are not what we are,
but only what we’re reaching for
out of the mess.
You don’t see me as you used to see me:
as the knight in shining armor
come to rescue you;
now you only see the dragon
I failed to kill,
the dragon inside
of me
burning down my soul.
Now that I’m dark
you don’t want me.
Now that I’m black
as the night in which
I dreamt of loving you.
For you are white,
your soul is white,
your name means white,
your hiding place is white,
the door you closed is white,
while I am black,
which means "outside."
I am the darkness
of living without you.
Now that I’m dark
you don’t want me.
Now that I finally tried to take
the step
from dreaming
to being.
From far away
to next to you.
Why didn’t I lie?
Why didn’t I hide who I was,
just a little longer?
Now that I’m dark
you don’t want me.
Now that I’m dark
you don’t want me.
Everybody’s like that.
But you believe myths.
You believe facades
and frauds.
For you,
transparent people are devils.
Opaque people
are angels.
Those who bare
their hearts
are ugly
because what’s beautiful for you
are lies.
Everybody’s like this,
but you fall
for the disguises,
and honesty
that tries to
hold one human flag
above the rubble
of what a human being is,
is for you, a thing to be
despised.
You let con jobs
be your eyes
and believe in things
that never were,
so you can only hate
the things that really are.
And I am dead, now,
in your eyes,
because you never
knew the truth.
People die in minutes.
People die in hours.
Those weeks you were
gone
were the weeks
I needed to feel you
beside me.
Prayers are just like
bottles thrown
into the sea.
That’s how far away they are,
that’s how small
is the chance
of being
saved by one.
The prayers you made for me
are still floating
in the ocean,
I never felt them.
Don’t you know?
Sometimes prayers need to take the form of a voice
right next to one,
a hand holding a hand.
Sometimes prayers
need to be a kiss,
or just a phone ringing,
or a letter
with the ink
of loneliness
that ends loneliness.
I didn’t need a miracle
in those days,
just a little breeze
to let me know
the earth wasn’t dead,
that something
was still moving
or trying to move.
But you were silent
as I lay dying.
As I hinted
that I was dying,
and as I slowly
died.
Silent with your prayers.
Like a child
with that tiny hoop
children
sometimes hold close to their mouths
trying to make bubbles,
so you stood there
with the angel wings you thought you had,
trying to blow bubbles
to the other side
of the world…
While I was dying…
I thought you could
hear my death,
I thought my heart
was that close to your ear,
but like those animals
that freeze with fear
when a predator is near,
so your soul’s sense froze
in the shadow
of the terrible beast
of my unraveling.
You imagined all was well,
because you did not
know what to do
except in the sun;
you imagined that I could still
be left alone
to play.
You would not see the damage
that wanting you
had done.
And as I lay dying,
you sang songs, most beautiful,
to yourself;
you danced
across the sea
and thought your joy
would reach me.
But it didn’t.
No, it didn’t.
It sank beneath the sea.
Your joy,
and our love.
Like Atlantis it sank,
without ever having been.
Sweet angel (the part you tried to play):
You forgave me for things
I hadn’t meant to do.
But your forgiveness
destroyed me
because you kept it
to yourself
by hiding it in prayers
that fell dead
at your feet.
Like butterflies
kept too long in a box
who, when released,
falter and then die upon the ground -
like withered leaves.
Where was your body,
your face?
The vigor
of your earthly presence,
temporary,
but for that one brief moment
more powerful and brilliant
than any spirit
ever was?
Flesh to flesh -
it’s an illusion
only when it’s gone.
While the firefly is lit
it’s as much the truth
as eternity.
Where were you?
Where were you
when I needed
to be shaken
and to feel, and be felt,
when I needed to roar
like a lion,
when I needed to cry like a volcano
erupting tears
over the whole world,
to bury the city
of your holiness
with my foolishness,
with my blindness,
feeling for you in the dark?
Where were you?
When even a word would
have been enough -
no touch,
no life together,
just a word,
a pitiful word,
a pitiful word -
alms to the poor -
just one word…
People die in minutes,
and hours.
But you left me
for weeks,
when
my blood
was spilling from everything
I did,
and you, who could hear
the pindrop of a thought,
could suddenly hear nothing.
I was dying,
and all you sent me
were your prayers.
You asked God to do
what you would not;
but it was your work,
your work to do,
you couldn’t pass it off
on God.
All His glory,
His thunder,
His sunshine, His radiance,
His flowers blooming,
His waves crashing upon the shore,
His rocks not destroyed,
His starry nights
bewildering, and dancing above the bewildered,
his jewels appearing magically
from holes in the earth,
from dust,
they weren’t what I needed.
I needed you.
I needed you.
And you didn’t come,
or even say a word.
You only prayed.
You only prayed for me,
until I died.
I might have cared
once,
but I don’t care
anymore.
All I feel now
is the hot sun beating down
on me
and the weight
on my back.
The sound of every step
I take
on the road
of uselessness
fills my ears,
drowns me,
my whole universe is this,
everything else is distant,
on the other side
of my daze,
on the other side of my heavy breathing
that’s like the wind
or sea
enveloping me with my labor.
I don’t think,
I don’t want,
I don’t long,
I don’t miss,
I don’t wonder.
Civilizations on other planets,
poems whispered by a flower,
the words of petals,
the footsteps of those who went before me
and the clamor of the unborn,
waiting for a world -
earthquakes in the soft form
of a woman,
darkness and a secret -
a soul’s promise,
hidden in a body -
it’s all just a blur,
a hallucination
on the side of the road,
like a buzz in my brain,
the kind you hear when you are
blacking out,
I fight it off
like faintness,
like sickness,
giving myself completely
to the steps that lead
nowhere.
I stagger past you,
because otherwise
I will fall,
and you’re not there
to catch me.
Today you are as far away from me
as a camel
is from a fish,
I don’t see beyond
the water that engulfs me
or imagine anything more than
this sea of pain
and hopelessness
that is my up, my down,
my here and my there.
For a moment, though,
you were almost real.
You almost broke through the tunnel
of numbness
that my eyes had created,
like a shield,
to protect me from what I could
not have,
which was everything
outside my donkey world.
That is how strong you were -
how different.
But now
that you are upset -
now that you have left
and are waiting for me to follow -
to write again or change -
you are
no longer
anything more to me than a shape
flitting about the
corners of my eyes.
I don’t have the energy to follow you.
I don’t have the energy to cry for you.
I don’t have the energy to ask you why.
I am just moving on,
dead as I was
before I met you,
dead as I will be forever,
without you,
because you didn’t bring me life,
only "maybe",
and then your own fears
and disappearance.
And the language of my forward motion
has no word for
"looking back."
I have an appointment with extinction
I cannot miss:
not for someone
who never came,
not for someone
who just watched.
Good-bye.
Should I still feel you?
Should I still call for you?
Perhaps.
But I feel nothing.
You are disappearing.
And my heart
has nothing left
to find you with.
Only with you
could I have found you.
Without you,
I can do nothing
but walk on,
walking is all I know,
walking without questions,
because questions hurt too much
and won’t change a thing.
Walking without questions -
and without you.
Who were you?
Did I love you once?
Who did you say you were?
Walking,
walking without you,
suffering,
but now losing you only seems to be
another part
of the hot sun
that burns down on my donkey road,
I feel the hot sun,
the hot road,
and it hurts more than you
because it’s here
and you’re not,
you are disappearing
into the hot sun,
you are just a few more degrees of heat,
who did you say you were?
Walking
and forgetting.
The hot burning sun
above the donkey road,
it’s here
and you’re not.
Pain
kills pain.
You left me,
but now I am leaving you
by walking,
walking and walking
till you're gone -
just like you wanted.
Another
"it’s over with."
It seems like only yesterday
since the last one.
One "it’s over with"
after another.
The day the snow came
and the earth declared
a holiday
and hearts ran free;
when the prison world
had to
close down for a minute.
But then,
they dug through the snow,
dug all the way back to "it’s over";
and everyone had
to go back.
And then,
the sprouting shoot
of adulthood,
growing green
towards
the soft one,
waiting with her cavern.
Wild joy,
all the horses of all time
running together across the plain,
and the heart pounding
like waves,
like oceans inside
night’s
most precious dreams.
That was over, too,
when the shadows
were stolen,
when the jewels came off
and the faces became clear
at dawn:
when the price was set.
And then
the holy ring,
the sacred battle
back to back
never again to be alone,
"we’ll go down together",
dreams surrendered,
but a friend gained,
until that too
came to "it’s over with",
and the mirror
showed an old face
and empty hands
and everything
still to do.
And then
the dusk miracle,
walking in
with eyes
of the first day,
one more birth,
one more chance;
and then the ache
of waking up
from the mirage;
and the same old lonely words:
"It’s over with.
It’s over with."
Your one faithful
companion through time.
"It’s over with."
Free me
from your ghostly chains.
Free me
from the poison
of the beautiful, unreachable dream
of you.
You are killing me
by keeping me
in this place
that has your name on it,
but not you.
Far-off words
are like distant campfires,
they sparkle
on the other side
of the cold I am living in.
I am freezing to death.
And one day
I will
just have to take
the blanket lying near me,
and cover myself
with something that is
not you.
It’s snowing!
I wish
I could tell
you.
I need one believer
to be an achiever
not many
not lots
just one
one believer
one believer in me
to set me free
from the multitudes
who want to stamp me
into dust.
One believer,
just one,
and I’ll stand
against the world
till it’s right.
One believer,
just one,
and I’ll be like the sun
I’ll wait out the night
with my light.
One believer,
just one,
it could be you
baby, it could be you,
help me
stand up strong.
One believer
to be an achiever
to do what someone has to do,
how could it be me?
Stand by my side, baby,
and I’ll see it in your eyes.
And that’s when I’ll know
it’s true.
When I’m looking
right at you.
One believer,
just one.
One believer,
God and me
is still missing one -
it could be you, baby,
it could be you.
One believer
to be an achiever,
it could be you,
baby,
it could be you,
it could be you -
One believer
to bring me and the world
back together again,
just one believer,
it could be you, baby,
it could be you
One believer
just one
one believer
just one
it could be you.
i was shot
and left for dead
it’s gonna take some time
to come back
into the world
i just can’t say yes
the last yes was a cage
no, just can’t say yes
not yet
couldn’t you guess?
what the world’s done to me
is just gonna get in the way.
till I crawl out of here
and get back on my feet
there’s nothing more to say.
Don’t come close, baby.
Don’t fall into the crater
of this wound
Don’t step out over my past.
it’s thin ice
and you’ll fall through.
Your beauty will never beat the pain.
Stay away, baby
till i break the chains.
The chains of what they did.
And give it time.
Time to match the crime.
Before we met,
they broke us apart
by putting darkness
in this heart.
Wait for the sun to come up
over the canyon of
what they stole.
Wait for the sun to come up
over this hole.
This hole that runs down
the middle of my soul.
I was shot and left for dead,
it’s gonna take some time to
come back into the world
I just can’t say yes
but when I can - and when I do -
if you’re still there -
it will be you.
Loneliness could lead you
to Hell.
Loneliness could lead you
into a cage.
Loneliness could lead you
to make the same mistake
all over again.
You know who you are, now.
Her beauty proved it.
You’re a wolf
and you’ll always be alone,
always need to be alone,
except for that one moment.
And that one moment
is what will kill you,
and her.
All over again.
The door of solitude
that can’t quite close,
that always has to stay open
just a crack.
Just enough
to hurt
and to be hurt:
just enough
for history
to repeat itself.
Ships look different
when you’re young.
They bring hope.
Later on,
they just hurt.
Once you watched them
as though you might go.
Now you watch them
knowing
that you didn’t.
Ships look different
when you’re young.
On Seeing Seagulls Eating Garbage By The Ferry
Yes, seagulls will eat
from a garbage bin.
Yes, seagulls
can be stolen from the
sea.
A sudden swarm of pigeons
takes off
just like at the beginning
of the Olympics.
But it’s only here.
Could something great be about to happen
in my little neighborhood?
Maybe life?
If my heart will release me,
I’m as free as the wind.
I can blow into your room
for a single stormy night
that will last forever,
then disappear
back into the desert.
When you awake
you’ll find a white butterfly
at your bedside.
I have no city to defend,
no rose to water,
I can jump in front of
the bullet meant for you.
I can laugh
at kings,
I can love you.
I can throw my heart
into the earth
and leave a crater
with your name.
I can whisper secrets
to every sleepless ear
in every land,
and carry the seeds
of the dead
back to the living.
If my heart will release me…